As a licensed therapist, one of the biggest mistakes I see is that people don’t know how to hold space for others. “Holding Space” .. is important …because people who are grieving or going through loss often don’t need someone to fix them and give them “answers” as to “why”, they are seeking safety, presence, and permission to “feel” the emotions they’re feeling without fear of being rushed, corrected, or judged.
…. And that’s why I’ll share 4 ways to hold space with you today.
In the beginning of the Book of Job, Job’s friends model a very powerful example of “holding space” for him, since he is experiencing deep grief. After Job loses all of his children, every vestige of his wealth, and emotional health, Jobs’ friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, come to sit with Job in his suffering.
Here is what Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar did for Job to hold space for him:
- Showed up: They traveled to see their friend, Job when they heard about his tremendous pain. We may not be available to travel, show up “in person”, we can however, call, Facetime, and/or text to demonstrate that we are thinking of them….
- Sat with him in silence: For seven days and nights, Jobs’ friends said nothing, there was nothing they could say to him because they observed with their own eyes, how great Jobs’ pain and suffering was. It’s difficult to not say anything, when we identify the others needs are vast and likely not something we can speak to, we can be “present”, the gift of our presence is often just what that person might be seeking (it is possible that “but” is part of the hook in the sentence-if yes, I can add it back in)
- Shared his grief: They wept with Job, they tore their robes, as he had, threw dust in the air to demonstrate their grief, and mourned with Job. We think that crying is bad but sharing in one another’s loss without judging the tears, “creates a space” where women can be fully seen, heard, and gently supported through emotional healing.”
- Did not try to immediately fix him: Initially, their presence mattered more than answers. Answers_ There is no benefit to focus on fixing pain. There are no right answers in loss, women honor honest presence, shared humanity, and the space to emotionally heal.
In my professional and personal opinion, as aforementioned, one of the most meaningful verses in the Book of Job that teaches us to hold space:
“No one said a word to Job, because they saw how great his suffering was.” Job 2:13
This scripture, Job 2:13 teaches us, through the power of observation, that when we see another in pain, there are no answers or solutions. Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer is our presence, metaphorically or figuratively, sitting beside someone in their suffering with compassion, silence, and care.
Later on, these same friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, started trying to analyze Job’s suffering and place blame on him (Job did nothing wrong). They were probably going through one of the stages of grief and loss i.e denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance, which makes sense, but was not useful to Job.
Their initial response was more helpful and communicated something deeply compassionate. This action demonstrated the power of presence:
Sometimes the most caring thing we can do is simply be present/hold space with someone in their pain without rushing to interpret, solve, or criticize it. What can you learn from the story of Job? Share with us in the comments!
